But I Never Once Lifted My Shirt for Beads

1. I didn't get grounded like normal teenagers got grounded; rather, I would have to stand in the bayou with a chicken neck on a string and catch crabs for dinner.

2. It didn't phase me when there were crawfish on the porch, cooked or raw and walking around.

3. Any cockroach that is smaller than 4 inches long, that doesn't fly, and that doesn't have its own attitude is a pitiful excuse for a cockroach.

4. I once sat on my roof and waited out a flood.

6. After soccer practice in high school, the team captain would take us for daiquiris.

7. In high school, we would stop at Pat O's for two hurricanes and then decide where we were going to go drinking for the night.

8. When I got my first house, it seemed entirely reasonable to decorate it in purple, green and gold with framed Mardi Gras posters and the Cajun alphabet picture in the kitchen.

9. I can peel a shrimp in seconds using a knife and fork.

10. Every single person that I know that stayed in New Orleans past high school has been the victim of a violent crime or directly knows somebody who has been.

Sometimes I think its a wonder that I made it past the tenth grade, what with all the standing in the bayous with the gators and the realization in my early teens that everybody else at Pat O'Briens was an amateur. So please indulge me when I say, "Geaux Saints."

[P.S. It pains my greatly that blogger spell check wants to make that crayfish. P.P.S. Many, many weekend standing in the bayou with a chicken neck. P.P.P.S. I just realized I went 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 up there - the New Orleans public school system at work my friends.]

Thank God for No Crystal Balls

As we all know, coffee plays a central role in my life. When I was at the Nordstrom in Las Vegas, I discovered Almond Roca Lattes at the Nordstrom E-Cafe. Oh so wrong, but oh so good.

I am also one of the most resourceful people on the planet. At the law firm, I was known for being the person that could track down that one case or that one little nugget of information that nobody else could find and that could change the case. This skill also comes in handy for finding Almond Roca latte syrup for home use.

I got a phone call from the World Pantry that my syrup was destroyed beyond deliverability by UPS and that my order would come later this week. Accordingly, unless I want to spend 4+ bucks on a latte, I am left to my own devices and Coffee Mate. I stood there at the grocery store for way too long contemplating what might possibly stand in for a few days for my Almond Roca Torani syrup. Now, I've never actually tasted ass, but Tiramisu flavored Coffee Mate tastes like ass.

In other news, word on the street is that my former law firm is doing a second round of lay-offs and that, given the comp structure, partners are currently making less than the few remaining associates. Imploding? Perhaps. And if it is in the stars that the entire firm is going to go down eventually, then I guess I am glad that I got off the sinking ship when I did. It's been a tough year. Sometimes I am grateful that there is no crystal ball.

Weekend Lexapro

I have the world's best therapist. Much like we shall never total the amount of money that I spend on lattes, so too we shall never tally the therapy expenses. Both are vital to my mental health.

I explained to my therapist how I have been feeling lately and how I was wondering if it was biological at this point. She asked me this, "Would your mood change if you found out right now that you got that in-house counsel position?" My response - well hell yea. And also whoa.

It's. Just. A. Job.

At the CT Scan, the radiology tech said that my son could have one of his parents go back with him, and he said, "I want my mommy" (Had the wind been blowing northwest instead of northeast, he would have asked for his daddy.) But that, plus the realization that this funk is all over a stupid JOB, made me realize - I am a mommy. And I am a great man's wife. And I have a friend that makes an excellent Christmas vodka.

So, on a logical level, I know that I am being silly, and I tell myself to stop it. But I can't help it - I am still crying all the time and I still have that heartbreak feeling in my heart, a literal feeling I can detect in my heart. My therapist says that I am burned out and, also, she thinks I am starting to show signs of biological depression. And I am burned out.

I emailed the company with the in-house counsel position, and got no response. I even had a meeting scheduled on Friday about a franchise opportunity, but the guy just never showed. And so it has been for months and months on end - I have been chasing opportunities that evaporate before my eyes, each and every one. And I guess I'm just burned out from all the chasing.

But I don't have to chase my husband or my son. They're right here. And did I mention that I am somebody's mommy. Did I mention that he said, "I want my mommy" and then he reached for my hand and we walked down that hall together, holding hands, toward that big scary CT machine.

I wish I could tell you that was the moment that I gave up wanting my career back so badly, but I still do crave it deeply. And I still wonder and stress and cry about the fact that I don't know if I will ever get it back. What I can tell you is that the whole event made me realize that I have been selfish. Because I have been so self-absorbed, it literally took my son holding out his hand for me to remind me that it's time for this to stop being about what I need and what I am not getting. Rather, its time for this to start being about what we need as a family.

I'll Have the Liver!

1. CT Scan results = sinusitis. Thanks to everyone for their love on that front.

2. I worked that seminar like my career depended on it. While only part of the seminar was about law, during that part I felt like myself. The law made me tired, the law took all my time, and I would obsess about ambiguous legal matters with an unhealthy passion, but that is the world I know. Perhaps it was not always a healthy existence, but that's where and how I knew how to function. I am a lawyer. That much I know.

3. I am also a mother and a wife - not always consistent with 2.

4. I thought Julie and Julia was an entertaining movie, the book a quick and okay read. But Cleaved, her second book, dear God the reviews were terrible. Hateful even. I had to read the book right away.

It is a lot of talk about turning carcasses into meat. If anatomy wasn't the class for you, forget about it.

But it is also a lot of talk about her affair. She has a husband and we don't really know much about him, but we know a lot about the other guy. If the affair was a wound, Julie writing this book is like her putting her finger in that open would - like her licking her finger, dipping it in salt, and then sticking her finger into that wound and poking and prodding around in that wound, and then taking her finger out and licking it again. Ouch.

However, after two books, she has finally convinced me. I think I do want to try liver.

21 Gunds

My son was at the doctor today because he has been throwing up on and off for two weeks. The doctor thinks it's probably nothing. He is scheduled for a CT scan just to be sure. They will have to mildly sedate him.

The thought of my little boy, mildly sedated and at the mercy of a radiology tech and doctors and things I do not understand, being eased into a CT scan, makes me sick to my very core. I know, however, that there are other parents out there who heard today that their kid needs a CT scan to confirm a suspected diagnosis, not just to make sure everything is okay, so I am keeping it all in perspective.

After today's doctor appointment, my son went home with his father. Also, my husband is out of town again. My son likes to sleep with me on the days his step dad is out of town. My bed has the 21 stuffed animals (I counted) that he brought to bed with us last night. These animals consist of ones that I have given him, that his father's girlfriend bought him, that his stepfather has given him, and one bear that my mother got him before she passed away and that was put in his hospital bassinet the very first night of his life.

I thought about removing the stuffed dog that is from his father's girlfriend, this being a family gathering in my own bedroom - just kind of mistakenly purposefully edging it off of the bed with my elbow. But I let it stay. We all love him and need him to be okay, even his father's girlfriend. The girlfriend seems to really enjoy spoiling, playing with, and teaching my son, and he really likes her. And for that, of course, my son and I are both blessed.

My son speaks to these animals (perhaps more than an intelligent 8 year old should). I fear, then, that they may be missing him. Accordingly, they all get to sleep with me again tonight.

I'm Waiting . . .

Tick tick tick tick . . . Do you know that I got a new Swatch for Christmas and it has a noticeable tick. I love that. Soothing. I am such a product of the 80's. Sadly, it is not a scratch and sniff Swatch. That would just look ridiculous on someone over the age of 13 (plus I couldn't find one anywhere on the internet).

Anyway, it is very much time that my phone rang with (1) follow-up news from the screening interview for that in-house counsel position, and (2) the results of the allergy tests. Of course, I am allergic to high paneled executive gray cube walls with energy saving light bulbs and offices with the thermostats set to 64, but it will be nice to have that confirmed.

[Plastic baby blue watches with pink flamingos Swatch circa 2009 - always adorable!]

No funcsion on allergie meds

I really do always proof my posts before hitting publish so if anyone read the last post before this morning I am sorry (I think I now caught the big ones); Girlfriend doesn't funcsion well on sinus/allergy meds. Recommend Rx read: Do not operate heave equipment or blog. Plus it was hard to add all those pictures. Love, AG