Real Housewives Recap Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly

Does anybody remember Cheers and the song that Woody made up for his girlfriend Kelly, and it went something like this: "Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly." I have never been able to think of a Kelly without singing that song in my head. Anyway -

Kelly asks LuAnn whether she should still introduce LuAnn as the Countess (you know, because she is now Countless). Kelly reasons that because LuAnn is so gracious and warm and wonderful that she is still a Countess (LuAnn is one of the least warm and fuzzy housewives ever), so the two agree that LuAnn shall still be called Countess. Apparently, all it takes to be a Countess is to declare it to be so. I would suggest that all my friends start calling me Countess except that they would beat me over the head for being such an ass, even if I was really married to, or had been married to, a Count.

Kelly decides that she is going to be nice to Bethenny because, and this is a quote, "because I have no reason not to." Don't think on that too long.

Bethenny remarks that she doesn't think Kelly is that smart. Kelly posed for Playboy at age 41. Bethenny needn't worry.

But what I do love about Kelly is that she really doesn't care about what other people think about her. She asks Ramona why she wasn't invited to her Labor Day party. Ramona goes on and on and on and on with excuses and Kelly tunes her out and remarks to the camera that she could have just said she didn't want her there. Well played, Kelly. Its so obvious that Kelly doesn't care, and not even in a mean way, just in a realistic way, which makes it all the more sad how deeply Ramona does care that everyone thinks she is important.

Ramona talks about her hair again. This is more than anybody ever talked about the Jennifer Aniston shag.

Jill hosts a dinner/fashion show and Ramona truly flips out. Her issues and mental state seem so disturbing that I, in fact, wonder if Bravo's showing the footage is some sort of mental health privacy law violation.

Picture of Kelly: tvgasm.com. Picture of Ramona: bravotv.com

Bringing Canada up to Speed

It has been brought to my attention that there are certain parts of Canada that do not get The Real Housewives of New York City until months after the original air date. Dear God. I am from Canada, but I never realized it was a third world country. As a public service to my fellow Canadians, I am providing a recap of the first installment of the new season . . .

Ramona has reinvented herself (got a haircut) and she wants to celebrate by gathering the housewives on a yacht for a trunk show of her new jewelry line, which looks kind of like ring-pops, but not as yummy. Because Ramona is a new person inside too, she extends an olive branch and invites Alex to the boat party, but not Bethany or Kelly (she's not that new inside).

[I like Alex because she too was laid off from her job for no good reason. She used to be a graphic designer for Victoria's Secret. I propose that letting Alex go was the biggest mistake in VS marketing history. If VS could have somehow worked Alex's job into the show, perhaps it wouldn't look so much like the Limited Too in there anymore.]

Ramona's friend LuAnn, the former countess, recently got a divorce from the count. She did not think it was funny that Ramona's husband, as a result of the recent circumstances, called her Countless. Actually, that is very funny. I told this to my husband who cares about the RHWONY about as much as he cares what colors our walls are. This made him laugh so hard that sangria almost came out of his nose. See, LuAnn, funny.

Bethany is doing a photo shoot for PETA in the nude. She emails her boyfriend with a naked picture from the shoot. Her boyfriend gets very angry about receiving the picture at work. He is very concerned about what HR would do if they saw the picture. Bethany, if your boyfriend is able to remember that there is an HR department at his office while looking at naked pictures of you, this is probably not the guy for you. Nevertheless, we find out later that she thinks this is the guy for her.

Kelly (the former model and sometimes current model [when she hires herself to model for her own pictures]) tries to explain to LuAnn that she would rather find mister right than mister right now. This confuses LuAnn very, very much. Kelly tries to explain but then gives up, realizing that she is, in fact, the mental giant of the bunch.

LuAnn and Bethany meet in the Hamptons for a drink. LuAnn (who must hold some kind of record for harboring grudges) wants to be clear about how they are going to pay for the drinks. LuAnn wants to know because, as LuAnn points out, it's not always clear that when Bethany invites people out, she doesn't intend to pay for everyone. To wit, Bethany once invited everybody to join her for surfing lessons but then said a snide remark when LuAnn walked away without paying the surfing instructor. LuAnn, honey, you are all class.

LuAnn writing a book about class and manners is like me writing a book on housekeeping.

Canada, you now have all the news that's fit to print, with bonus commentary.
Picture credit to New York Daily News.