Defending Dallas

T minus 2 days until arrival in Dallas. I'm an anxious, excited wad of a ridiculous mess. (If anybody is new here, I lived in Dallas for 13 years but moved away the year my mom passed away, and I haven't been back since.)

One of the people I really want to see is my friend Gary. I love him likely family. He is my former hairdresser but we became best friends when he realized I was willing to go to the Mexican restaurant across from his salon to get margaritas while I was in foils. We're both the kind that doesn't do phone. Accordingly, we lost touch. I've called him 3 times now to tell him that I am coming in but I haven't heard from him. He's the one and only person that I absolutely have to see in Dallas.

Whenever Dallas comes up, so too the comments about big hair. Not one of my Dallas friends had big hair. Not. One. Dallas is a friendly, easy, more sophisticated place than you might think (except for the weirdos at the bar in foils).

First of all, Jane Aldridge from Sea of Shoes lives in the Dallas. She is hands down the most stylish person in blogdom. Check out her photo essay of Marfa (her March archives). I would put those pictures in my dining room right next to the Rauschenberg. And I note that girlfriend has the Prada shoes I have been lusting after this season.

Second of all, this is the line up at Trees (a totally cool concert dive in Dallas) from last weekend: Fair to Midland, Exit 380 and Serosia. Okay, I have no clue who those bands are but the point is they are not Alan Jackson or Dirks Bentley.

Third of all, margaritas in pitchers (like they are meant to be served) and Tex-Mex.

Fourth of all, Dallas is home base for the mothership (Neimans).

And home to this fine institution of higher learning on the left.
And also SMU.

Why I'm Scared of Dallas

The Franchise is based in Dallas and I need to go there to visit corporate headquarters.

When we (my ex-husband, me and our 4 month old baby) left Dallas 9 years ago, it made no sense to me that we should do so. My mom had just passed away and I had a brand new baby. I wanted to be around my best friends and my favorite shops. Also, I had just graduated from law school in Texas and all my professional contacts were there.

Nevertheless, for reasons and rationales I won't get into here, my then-husband took a job in a different state (after telling me earlier he would be taking a job in yet a different state thereby causing me to take the bar there so that I was then licensed to practice in a state that was neither Texas nor where we actually ended up living but I wasn't mad about that no. Bar exams are fun.)

For a very long time, I did not want to go back to Dallas. I thought that it would be too painful to see my home but not be able to live there. Still, when we have layovers in Dallas, part of me feels like I could just hop in a car and drive to my old house and then call up my friends and we would pick up where we left off without missing a beat.

The truth is, I've missed a beat - a nine year long beat. My old house has been partially demolished and replaced, one friend had two more babies and dedicated her life to the church, one spent time in jail for a DUI, one moved to a different state. My favorite hangouts are gone.

And, of course, there is grave that I haven't visited in 9 years. I do not feel any guilt about the length of time - my mother would prefer to be remembered any place else. But, of course, I have to go there.

My homecoming - a short week away. And I am absolutely terrified. Dallas means so very much to me and is such a huge part of me, but I am nothing of it.