The Crush

My eight year old has his first crush, only the word "crush" doesn't seem to adequately describe the circumstance that has taken over our household. First of all, let me say that he and his lady friend are not behind closed doors making out between vodka shooters. I suspect that comes at age 10. They are, however, inseparable. They eat lunch together, play flag football together, do math homework together and, in honor of the fact that she has two younger sisters that need to be annoyed, they make up songs about shoving firecrackers up Barney's ass together.

Their affection is so strong and encompassing that those of us in the know can only sit back and wait for the inevitable fall. Sooner or later (and I suspect sooner) she is going to decide that she no longer wants a boy who seems to always have a milk mustache and draws trading cards of the United States Supreme Court Justices (true story). When she finally tosses him aside, after toying with him for a few days, no amount of consolation retail will be able to fill even a tiny part of the hole that has been left in his heart.

I would have preferred for him to go for the sweet little girl with the mini-boden wardrobe and the parents with the time-share in Cabo. But no. He picks the one who wears the soccer shorts to school, even on non-soccer days and - gasp - has a tattoo!!! (It is just one of those rub on things on her hand but seriously that is just one step away from the tramp stamp on the lower back you know it is.)

This crush has brought to light two very important lessons. The first is the mystery of what attracts men to women. Remember all those times in middle school and high school when you wondered what attracted the guy you liked to the girl that wasn't you? Mystery solved. When I asked my son why he likes this girl, his answer had nothing to do with her looks, her intelligence or her sporty demeanor. Nope. It was simply that she was there and willing. He was that easy.

The second important lesson is that you can totally use a crush to control your child. It's fun. Now, all I have to do to get my son to do something is to tell him that his crush would like it if he did so. Dude, you should eat more politely, chicks dig that. Brush your teeth, girls like fresh breath. Insert any command, she would like it!

Are you wondering what his crush is doing right now? At our house we are always wondering what she is up to right now.