Things have been a little disconcerting lately for no identifiable reason. I wouldn't say I am in a funk. I'm just feeling edgy. And not in a good way like I am about to put together a really cool outfit using the clothes I already have in my closet. Edgy like I am the roadrunner and at any moment a piano, an anvil or a bag of Acme cement might fall on my head.
Accordingly, I am about to embark on the 30 Truths. I'm not going to do all 30 questions in a row. (Once a week. Maybe. Perhaps attached to a regular post.) I know it's all a bit narcissistic, but it just feels like something I need to do right now.
The first question: What do you hate about yourself.
That's a bit of a harsh way to start don't you think? However, the more I thought about that question, the more it helped me pinpoint why I am feeling on edge.
I hate that I am high strung.
I have heard it said that there will be an answer, let it be.
Are you kidding me? That's a terrible idea. If I don't have the next phase of my life planned out the world will spin off of its axis into a black abyss and we will all spontaneously combust. I have never ever not once allowed myself to just coast in a phase in my life without knowing exactly what the next phase will be.
Furthermore, when I have no control over getting to the next phase, it drives me crazy. I know that I am absolutely positively not meant to be doing the job I am doing right now. That's the next thing I hate about myself - I stay in a job that I HATE. It sucks the life out of me and I hate myself every single day that I don't quit. But I keep telling myself that I can stick it out because the next phase of my life is right around the corner and I know what it is. But do you realize that the first franchise space we were offered was last spring? Our broker has been identifying spaces since last spring and we have not been able to secure one yet. I know there is an end to Cube World, but it is in no identifiable time. Panic panic PANIC.
Which leads to the thing that I hate the most about myself. I worry way too much about money. I don't spend a lot. I just worry about it. A lot. Every single day I worry that I am not going to have enough to live comfortably, now or in the future. Every single day. Do other people do that? Is it debilitating to them? (My therapist links this to the time during my divorce that I had no money for food. I'm not there. But I never want to be there again.)
The reason I do not leave this job is because of the money. Even though I am now making one-third of what I made as an attorney, it's still enough for me to pay my bills. If I left this job, I would still need another job to pay bills. And Christmas is coming. And our microwave is broke. And my winter boots have holes in the soles. So here I am.
I wish that I had the guts and the chutzpah to walk away, to spend the winter in my holey shoes, to explain to my son why there are very few presents under the tree, to rely on my husband even if it impacts his own children and requires him to support mine - to just be friggin' happy for a few months just coasting.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am the exact same way. I wish I could be the free spirit who can just pick up and go and cross her fingers that things will work out. But, let's be real. How likely is that to happen without a plan? It doesn't. This isn't a GD Hollywood movie. So I plan, and then I plan some more.
ReplyDeleteI guess my point is that you're not the only one. Maybe it'll make you hate yourself less. ;)
I am with you on having to have a plan. I can deal with the plan changing, but there must be a plan! This is why the move/no move thing is driving me crazy and my husband doesn't understand why I have to just assume there is no move. Because then, I have a plan.
ReplyDeleteWhy not ask your son/husband what they think of you taking a break from cube world for a month or two? At least get it out there as a possibility, especially since you'll be working so hard to get the franchise up and running once you have your space. They may surprise you.
I think other people do worry about money. (Honestly, I wish I worried more.) I think there is a spectrum about how people deal with money. Being on the same page, especially with a spouse, can be very hard. I hope you are able to make a job decision that works best for you - and your family - whether that means brand-new Italian boots, or patching the holes on last year's pair. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete"during my divorce that I had no money for food"
ReplyDeleteI suggest you use this as positive rather than something to be afraid of.
Take the necessary risks in life that you need to take to be happy and recognize you have been at the bottom, it wasn't fun, but you survived and are stronger for it.