Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Contribution to Shark Week

I hear that you are twice as likely to die from a vending machine falling over on you than you are from a shark attack. Let's examine why this is an entirely faulty statistic.

(1) Vending machines don't move. That's it. There's no 2. If somebody is killed by a vending machine, it can only be their fault.

On the other hand, nobody goes around purposefully sticking their hands into sharks and shaking them around when they don't produce Twizzlers. When sharks attack, it's their fault. Sharks make bad choices. Ergo, sharks are evil.

End of debate. I wonder what else I can prove using a pack of Twizzlers?


  1. I don't know... people do purposefully go around disguising themselves as seals (aka sharkbait) and thrashing in the water like prey. The shark can hardly be blamed for getting a little bit hungry and going "SEAL!" and chowing down.

    In other news, I watched shark week once. I haven't seen it since. I figure if you've seen one shark week, you've seen 'em all.

  2. I agree with Amie. I settled down to watch the 10 Most Dangerous Sharks thinking maybe I would learn something new. Nope, the lineup hasn't changed much in years. :)

    But, I do love some Twizzlers!

  3. Sharks are like cats, I think. The smaller ones are kind of cute and will bump into your legs and hands and let you pet them. Like cats, they know that you are simply too large to take down, and so they submit. (But you can't get Twizzlers out of them, either.)

    The larger ones, of course, are best admired from a safe distance and never underestimated. (After all, they have been known to eat boats, helicopters, and Robert Shaw.)

  4. I went to school with a kid in junior high who was killed when a vending machine fell over on him. (Oddly, I always wonder what that looks like.) They secure them to the ground now, those smarties.

    I looooove sharks. Love them, love them. I pray that we encounter them when we scuba dive. They are so gorgeous.

    I don't understand the freakout over Shark Week though, because as Meredith said, the line up seems to have been the same for YEARS.

  5. Oh my. I thought that was an urban myth Emily. I am so sorry for that kid.

    Agreed. Shark Week needs some new programing.

  6. The kid was a jackass. Hello? If you try to climb and shake a great big heavy thing, it will fall on you. But RIP, man, RIP.

    I loved those little sharks in French Polynesia!! I had a similar experience when I first saw them. We were in our little dive boat and it was time to get out. I was sea sick, so I just wanted to get out ASAP. So as I stood on the side of the boat, I said to the guide "Will they bite me?" He said "nope." So in I went. There were HUNDREDS. So cool...