Weekend Lexapro

I have the world's best therapist. Much like we shall never total the amount of money that I spend on lattes, so too we shall never tally the therapy expenses. Both are vital to my mental health.

I explained to my therapist how I have been feeling lately and how I was wondering if it was biological at this point. She asked me this, "Would your mood change if you found out right now that you got that in-house counsel position?" My response - well hell yea. And also whoa.

It's. Just. A. Job.

At the CT Scan, the radiology tech said that my son could have one of his parents go back with him, and he said, "I want my mommy" (Had the wind been blowing northwest instead of northeast, he would have asked for his daddy.) But that, plus the realization that this funk is all over a stupid JOB, made me realize - I am a mommy. And I am a great man's wife. And I have a friend that makes an excellent Christmas vodka.

So, on a logical level, I know that I am being silly, and I tell myself to stop it. But I can't help it - I am still crying all the time and I still have that heartbreak feeling in my heart, a literal feeling I can detect in my heart. My therapist says that I am burned out and, also, she thinks I am starting to show signs of biological depression. And I am burned out.

I emailed the company with the in-house counsel position, and got no response. I even had a meeting scheduled on Friday about a franchise opportunity, but the guy just never showed. And so it has been for months and months on end - I have been chasing opportunities that evaporate before my eyes, each and every one. And I guess I'm just burned out from all the chasing.

But I don't have to chase my husband or my son. They're right here. And did I mention that I am somebody's mommy. Did I mention that he said, "I want my mommy" and then he reached for my hand and we walked down that hall together, holding hands, toward that big scary CT machine.

I wish I could tell you that was the moment that I gave up wanting my career back so badly, but I still do crave it deeply. And I still wonder and stress and cry about the fact that I don't know if I will ever get it back. What I can tell you is that the whole event made me realize that I have been selfish. Because I have been so self-absorbed, it literally took my son holding out his hand for me to remind me that it's time for this to stop being about what I need and what I am not getting. Rather, its time for this to start being about what we need as a family.