At some point, I was just done being depressed. I can't explain it anymore than I can explain how I got so depressed in the first place, despite my conscious thoughts willing me to feel differently. I didn't even get catatonically depressed when my mom passed away, and trust me that was way more significant than losing my job. Way more.
But Dear God I hope that such a funk never happens again because it was horrible. When I wasn't driving around listening to Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides, Now" on repeat (see - horrible), I was sitting on the couch unable to move.
Like I said, I don't know what happened to change things back to normal. At first, from time to time, and without warning, I would still feel a little pain in my heart and get angry and sad again, but then it would go away as quickly as it came. And now, if for some reason I start to think about where I am now in relation to where I was just over a year ago, I don't get angry or sad. I'm just here.
I'm here. Today is warm. There are bright yellow tulips on my desk.
I finally feel like finishing the paint job in the bedroom with that Ralph Lauren Sanctuary blue, even though the one and a half walls that I did manage to paint before my funk do resemble the color of halls I have seen in hospitals. Although I am no longer depressed, I am wondering if I am otherwise certifiable because I keep hoping that actually painting the other two and a half walls will improve my opinion of the color.
Oh, and did you know that you can download tv shows onto iTouch? Why had nobody brought this to my attention sooner? All this time at work I could have actually been getting something done rather than just sitting there doing data entry!
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Found you through Juliet, and totally dig your writing.
ReplyDeleteGlad the depression is over - evil dark pit of nastiness festering is never fun. I found subsequent bouts weren't as bad as the Deepest Funk because I could recognize it earlier and prevent quicker. Anyway, good luck. And yay for tulips.