What I Don't Look Like

For obvious reasons, like wanting to leave my job on my terms, not theirs (I believe that leaving a job because of a blog is called getting dooced), I have to keep this anonymous. Accordingly, I cannot provide a profile picture other than those cute little sharks - those cute little Polynesian sharks. They speak French and they don't bite.

So, for what its worth, I have been told that I look like:

I was told this by a 40 year old guy that has been smoking pot every single day since he was a junior in high school. This is the one and only thing he has ever said that makes sense.

My ex-husband thought I looked liked:

I embraced this one a little too much and even got the Reality Bites haircut. I was adorable. I totally could have kept Johnny Depp or Matt Damon. For the record, I never stole nothing.

My mom said I reminded her of:

Aww, thanks mom (I think). Although this one is looking more like Mama Judd all the time, so the reference becomes less and less appealing all the time.

I have also been told that I look like:

I got that last one most often. Although Jim Carrey would never have been my type. (And, really, Lea Thompson? Can you just live off the Caroline in the City royalties forever? I guess so.) But, in my opinion, I look like none of these people. I have the world's largest forehead - when it glows you can land planes on it. I have a big bump on my otherwise turned up little nose. Oh and there's like inches (INCHES) of space between my nose and my lips. So really I look like one of the creatures from The Twilight Zone movie (the one from the early 80s), or Beaker from the Muppets. Nevertheless, despite my true alien-like appearance, I was able to snag a husband that looks like this (for real)

and does floors. I win.