Wrong Side of the Fence

I wrote this yesterday and then debated about whether I was going to post it. I decided to post it because I thought it might be helpful to share. One of the things that made me feel better when I was unable to move my ass off the couch yesterday was that I remembered similar posts by other bloggers. Shauna Glenn has been there. Heather Armstrong has been there. I'm in excellent company and it feels good to know that I am not crazy. Or we're all crazy.

I'm having trouble pulling my shit together. Since the lay-off, I have been on the fence between believing that everything is going to be okay, if not better, in the end and believing that this is all really more than I can handle.

I'm tired. Not physically; rather, I am tired of waiting for things to get better. I am ready for there to be just days now, not days where I am waiting for it all to turn around, not days where I do not feel like I am part of the human race. And I am especially tired of days like Friday:

(1) Clearing out my bank account for some big expenses that could no longer be put off [like paying my bar dues even though I am not working as a lawyer]. So that's it. That's all the $ there was. My son will have to wear his short pants and if anybody wants to get in touch with me, they are going to have to do it by email because my phone picked yesterday of all goddamn days to stop working.

(2) I made a bad decision. I had about $50 dollars left in my bank account and I decided that what I needed was a really good laugh. That's right. Sitting at Cube World and feeling sorry for myself, all I could think of was what I needed (not that my son needs pants or a way to get in touch with me.) So I took that money and I bought 2 tickets to the comedy club.

(3) My husband offered to take me out for my favorite meal before the show. At the restaurant, all I wanted was to go into the bathroom and slide down the wall and crumple on the floor. And I didn't even care that it was a public bathroom floor. And maybe I did just that.

(4) The three comedians we saw were the three worst comedians that I have ever seen. I didn't laugh once. And I didn't hear my husband laugh once during the headliner either, so it wasn't like I just wasn't meeting the comedians half way. (I wasn't, but also they were bad.)

(5) My new and improved cough medicine that the PA promised would allow both me and my husband to sleep through the night cost me over $100, and I coughed all through the night.

I know I could go to my husband and tell him that I need $20 so I could go to the Target and get my son some new pants. And he would give me $20. But the point is, I hate that if it weren't for him I would be sitting here in poverty and that frightens the living shit out of me and also pisses me off because I worked so hard over the last ten years to secure my future.

(6) My ex-husband just emailed and said that my son wants to stay with him (even though it is my day). And that is the worst news of all.

Today is a better day.