Weekend Lexapro

Follow-up to Monday's post. Yes, I'm still going there.

After spending last Saturday on the couch, I made myself snap out of it. Things needed to be cleaned (me) and people needed to be fed (one more cereal buffet for dinner and there was going to be mutiny). Admission here: I have always believed that your mental well being is, well, mental. Just determine you are going to be happy and viola!

In the face of the lay-off, sure, I cried. A lot. But I also polished the resume, applied for every possible job even tangentially related to my area of the law, and eventually any area of the law I could fake, and kept the kid fed and the clothes ironed (even the pillow cases). In the face of adversity, I fight and iron pillow cases. That's what I do.

But by Sunday afternoon, I was back to wanting to just sit on the couch under blankets to watch people cook on t.v., or perhaps fish, or perhaps paint a happy painting. Jersey Shore just seemed a little too upbeat. By Thursday, I stopped wearing eye makeup because I was crying every day without warning, for no identifiable reason. And that got me thinking - this might, at this point, be physical not just mental.

I think I have been putting on an "I'm okay" front for so long now that my brain can no longer ignore what my subconscious has been screaming behind the scenes - that it's almost been a year and I am farther from, not closer to, being an attorney again, that attorneys who used to consider me an expert on a certain area of the law are now surpassing me in their legal housekeeping. The dentist says that I am clenching my teeth so hard at night that I am cracking them. I wake up with sore arms because I am clenching my fists in my sleep. I am telling myself to just get over it, but the subconscious now wants its say, and it has been wanting that say for so long now that I think I really may have altered the chemicals in my brain to the point of clinical depression.

I understand that there are world crises underway (the atolls of French Polynesia are disappearing due to global warming - if you have ever been, you know this is unacceptable), and some Republicans seem to be thwarting health care reform just because. Whoa, did I just go all political there? My brain gets that there are bigger issues than my little ol' inability to be happy. But my body has taken over, and that's where its going.

Is this where this blog is going on a regular basis? No. But its also impossible to ignore. Accordingly, until further notice, Weekend Treat is going to be replaced with Weekend Lexapro. You can tune in if you want, or ignore the weekends. I share this journey here just for that reason - to share. I am seeking professional help (yay for Therapy Thursdays). The rest of the week's blog entries will be business as usual.

I know that I am going to be okay. My husband and son just deserve the old me back, the sweet and really happy me. So this is my story of how we are going to get there.

P.S. This is seriously my absolute favorite email regarding Monday's post: "I'd like to state for the record that that is just pure dramatic horseshit that sounds like a deleted scene from the movie Less Than Zero." That made me laugh out loud. Love the Brent Easton Ellis reference.