Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why I'm Scared of Dallas

The Franchise is based in Dallas and I need to go there to visit corporate headquarters.

When we (my ex-husband, me and our 4 month old baby) left Dallas 9 years ago, it made no sense to me that we should do so. My mom had just passed away and I had a brand new baby. I wanted to be around my best friends and my favorite shops. Also, I had just graduated from law school in Texas and all my professional contacts were there.

Nevertheless, for reasons and rationales I won't get into here, my then-husband took a job in a different state (after telling me earlier he would be taking a job in yet a different state thereby causing me to take the bar there so that I was then licensed to practice in a state that was neither Texas nor where we actually ended up living but I wasn't mad about that no. Bar exams are fun.)

For a very long time, I did not want to go back to Dallas. I thought that it would be too painful to see my home but not be able to live there. Still, when we have layovers in Dallas, part of me feels like I could just hop in a car and drive to my old house and then call up my friends and we would pick up where we left off without missing a beat.

The truth is, I've missed a beat - a nine year long beat. My old house has been partially demolished and replaced, one friend had two more babies and dedicated her life to the church, one spent time in jail for a DUI, one moved to a different state. My favorite hangouts are gone.

And, of course, there is grave that I haven't visited in 9 years. I do not feel any guilt about the length of time - my mother would prefer to be remembered any place else. But, of course, I have to go there.

My homecoming - a short week away. And I am absolutely terrified. Dallas means so very much to me and is such a huge part of me, but I am nothing of it.


  1. It's true what they say, you can't go home again. Unfortunately things change so much. I have been there myself and as much as they have all changed, you have changed too!

    Nonetheless...have an awesome trip! Take lots of photos! Especially if you bump into JR!

  2. Thank you for your kind comment this morning. I am so sorry to read about your mom's passing and know it will be emotional for you to visit her gravesite. I'm sending you strong thoughts.

    As for seeing your former town and old friends, I hope that your trip brings you some happy memories of where you grew up.

    About the Bar, you are not kidding! We stayed in MD for so many years because I was not about to sit for another exam. More power to you for taking it a second time!

  3. It's funny how a place can stir up so many things. I have really hard time going to "visit" Mom having only been 2 or 3 times. But it is extremely cathartic - even if I'm totally with you when you said "my mother would prefer to be remembered any place else."
    Here's sending you warm and strong thoughts. And hope that this trip will create exciting, new memories as you embark on your new endeavors!

  4. Dallas may feel like a stranger to you now, but that means that home will feel more like "home".